Lovers should fight!

This week, I am reading an exciting self-help book titled ‘‘Is It You or Is It Me ?’’ from Scott Wetzler, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. The version I devoured was published in 1998, but its gems are evergreen, if not vital, in today’s society.

In his research, he underlined a few rules for fighting fairly, constructively, and for the ones we love. And since fights are inevitable, we might as well run how to go about it well in our relationships, here are a few ways :

1.Create a safe space

If we understand that security breeds trust, we will be able to know that our relationship is stronger and will not stumble upon a disagreement or one fight. We should contain the conflict and protect our relationship as it is the ultimate proof of how much we care about it.

2.Show respect by listening.

 We should hear what our partner has to say and accept differences. We should be aware of our boundaries and let our partner share their views. When things go sour, It is okay to agree to disagree as a sign of mutual respect.

 3.No winners or losers

Another reminder that fights and disagreements are usually problems to be solved not battles to be won. So instead of trying to prove the other party wrong, we ought to face the issue as a team.

 4.Focus on what is on the table

Please don’t make your problem global when it is personal and avoid giving examples of the neighbours. Don’t reference to past misdeeds. Set achievable goals. If we are concrete, we will likely get to a compromise.

 5.Don’t demand apology/confession: 

It may give us a momentary satisfaction, but it will likely be hollow. We shouldn’t be reactive. We should control our emotions, although it is hard at that time, it is possible.

Ultimately, it is crucial to understand that fights will be there, but as long as we are willing to fight the problems between us instead of fighting each other, we will get through, stronger than ever.

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