How to Not Be Upset by the Misdeeds of Others.
"You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength." - Marcus Aurelius
It's easy to let others' actions disturb our peace. A careless comment, a broken promise, or an outright betrayal can trigger frustration, anger, or even resentment. We tell ourselves we shouldn't feel this way, yet the emotions persist.
But what if we could change our response?
What if we could learn to detach from others' misdeeds and maintain our inner calm, regardless of how others behave?
The answer lies in shifting our focus from external events over which we have no control to our minds, where true power resides.
When someone wrongs us, our first reaction is often personal. How could they do this to me? But in reality, people act according to their nature, shaped by their experiences, beliefs, and struggles. Their behaviour is more about them than it is about us.
Remember the example of a scorpion crossing a river on a turtle's back?
Halfway across, the scorpion stings the turtle. As they both begin to sink, the turtle asks, Why would you do that? Now, we will both drown! The scorpion replies, "Because it is in my nature.”
This isn't to say we should excuse wrongdoing or fail to hold people accountable. Instead, understanding that people will act according to who they are, not who we want them to be, can help us avoid unnecessary suffering.
The Illusion of Control
One of the most significant sources of frustration is the belief that we can or should control how others behave. That is the illusion of control, but we can't control it.
We can't force someone to be kind.
We can't make someone see reason.
We can't prevent others from making mistakes.
The sooner we accept this, the less power their actions will have over us. Instead of wishing things were different, we can redirect our energy toward what we can control: our reactions, choices, and state of mind.
Choosing Not to Engage
Marcus Aurelius wrote, "The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury."
When faced with negativity, we often retaliate to argue, prove a point, or make the other person feel how they made us feel. But this only ties us further to their behaviour.
True strength lies in restraint. Choosing not to engage doesn't mean weakness; it means refusing to let someone else dictate your emotional state. Silence, distance, and emotional detachment can be far more potent than retaliation.
The Power of Perspective
Often, what upsets us is not the event itself but the meaning we assign to it. Two people can experience the same situation and react entirely differently.
This is where perspective becomes crucial.
When someone mistreats you, ask yourself:
Is this worth my peace of mind?
Will this matter a year from now?
Is this person acting out of ignorance, pain, or insecurity?
Can I choose to see this differently?
A shift in perspective can transform frustration into indifference, anger into understanding, and resentment into freedom.
The Practice of Letting Go
Letting go is not about suppressing emotions but consciously deciding what deserves our energy. It's a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice.
Here are a few ways to cultivate it:
Pause before reacting. Give yourself a moment to breathe before responding. A delayed reaction is often a wiser one.
Detach from expectations. The fewer your expectations of others, the less power they have to disappoint you.
Reframe the situation. Instead of seeing someone's actions as an attack, view them as a reflection of their struggles.
Practice forgiveness—not for them, but for yourself. Holding onto anger only burdens you, not them.
Focus on your character. As Epictetus said, "Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it." Choose to act with integrity, regardless of how others behave.
If you are still with me ... here are some takeaways:
People act according to their nature. Their actions are about them, not about you.
You can't control others, only yourself. Focus on what's within your power.
Not engaging is a strength. Walking away often serves you more than reacting.
Perspective changes everything. Reframing situations can turn frustration into freedom.
Letting go is a skill. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
The misdeeds of others can only disturb you if you allow them to. Instead of being upset, choose understanding. Instead of engaging, choose peace. In doing so, you reclaim your power not over others but yourself.